Two Moons Over Atlantis
by Titan5
Summary: Missing scenes from Lifeline, taking place between John landing the city in the ocean and the balcony scene with Carter. I thought John looked a little whumped.


**Summary: **Missing scene(s) from _Lifeline. _This takes place between John landing the city and the ending scene on the balcony with Carter. Did John look okay to you? Because I thought he looked a little shook up. Spoilers for _Lifeline _(obviously).

**Disclaimer: **Not mine (unfortunately for me).

**Two Moons Over Atlantis**

"_Colonel Sheppard, we made it. The city's floating safely on the ocean. Excellent landing."_

John sat in the control chair, his mind whirring and his head aching, trying to process Colonel Carter's words. "Thank you," he managed to say softly. He lifted his hand to rub his temple and noticed the fine tremors making his hand quiver. He clenched his hand into a loose fist, but felt weakness keeping him from making a strong grip. Uncurling his fingers, he watched his hand shake a moment before dropping it. The city was safe, they had been successful. But Carter's words had only reinforced the memory that Elizabeth wasn't here to enjoy it. The victory seemed hollow, at best. His gut clenched and he closed his eyes, the pain in his temples suddenly sharpening.

"Colonel Sheppard, can you hear me?" He was trying to make sense of the words when bright light sent stabbing pain through his right eye. He flinched and tried to pull away from it, only to find something holding his head steady. "No, Colonel, don't fight me. I need you to wake up now."

John opened his eyes in a small squint and Dr. Keller swam into focus just a foot or so from his face. For a moment, he felt disoriented, not knowing where he was or why Keller was hovering in front of him. "Doc?" was the most intelligent thing he could think of to say.

Keller smiled. "Colonel, are you with us?"

John looked around, noting that he was in the control chair. "I passed out?"

Keller nodded and then put her pen light into her pocket as she picked up a blood pressure cuff and began wrapping it around his arm. "Apparently. The control tower tried to contact you and you wouldn't answer, so they sent someone down here to check on you. Sgt. Mashburn reported that you were unconscious. You want to tell me what happened?"

John watched as she pumped up the cuff, making his arm feel like it might explode from the pressure. He momentarily held his breath until he heard the pressure hiss out and the constrictive force on his arm was relaxed. "Sometimes the chair kind of wipes me out, you know, if I'm doing something complicated or I'm . . . in it . . . a long time." The room was beginning to spin and the pain was sharpening again, but he tried to keep focused on Keller. She was starting to look worried.

"Colonel?" She stood up and caught him as he began listing to his right, preventing him from sliding out of the chair. He had just enough time to think how much this sucked before the dancing dark spots merged into one oblivious darkness.

oOo

John opened his eyes, allowing them time to slowly focus on the ceiling while he decided how bad the headache was. After a few seconds, he lifted his head an inch to scan his surroundings before plopping back against the pillow. _Yep, infirmary again. What did I do this time? _It only took a moment for the memory to surface. _The chair. Apparently landing a city is a bit more taxing than taking off or flying the thing through space. _John vividly remembered focusing every ounce of energy he had into getting Atlantis down without burning up during reentry. He distinctly remembered Rodney's instructions to alter the angle and to slow down. Obviously McKay had never flown or landed an Ancient city before.

He might have chuckled if he hadn't picked that instant to remember that Elizabeth was in Asuran hands. He'd left her behind. After all his preaching about not leaving a man behind, he'd left Elizabeth to the Replicators. She had been so close. Why had he not tried to get her away from them? It had seemed so hopeless at the time and now, looking back, it seemed so cowardly not to have tried.

Shame filled him, along with a sadness words couldn't touch. They had been through so much. She had stood up for him on more than one occasion, both against Caldwell and the brass back on Earth. She had always defended him, had faith in him, trusted him. And when it was his turn, he'd let her down, left her in the hands of the worst enemy they had. He had no idea how he would live with himself, other than to make it his life's work to find her. _Yeah, cause that worked so well with Ford._

"Colonel Sheppard?"

He startled at the sudden touch and words, jerking his hand away even as his whole body shifted away from the source. Dr. Keller looked a little startled herself. "I'm sorry, Colonel Sheppard, I didn't mean to sneak up on you like that. How are you feeling?"

John settled back in the bed and told himself to relax. He rubbed at the back of his hand, where he'd almost pulled out his IV. Keller took his hand and checked the entry point, smoothing the tape that had pulled loose on one side.

John watched her until she eased his hand back down on the bed. "How long have I been here to have an IV?"

"Over six hours, getting close to seven actually. You're electrolytes were completely out of balance, as were some other things, so we've been trying to get you back on track. How's the headache?"

"Not bad," he said easily, to which she reached in her pocket and pulled out her penlight. "Oh, Doc, can't we skip that?" he whined.

Keller smiled at him. "No, we can't. You're pupil reactions have been sluggish and slightly uneven, so I'm going to keep checking until they're normal." She leaned across him to shine the light first in his right eye, then his left. He did his best not to slam his eyes shut at the sudden rise in the intensity of his pain level. She stood back up and dropped the light back in her pocket. "So, are you still going to tell me the headache isn't bad?"

John rubbed his eyes. "Well, it is _now_." When enough of the blinking lights cleared up that he could see, he quit rubbing and looked at her. "How did you know about the headache?"

Keller shrugged her shoulders. "Pain lines around your eyes . . . and Carson made notes in your file about interactions with the chair usually giving you a headache."

John sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. Ford. Carson. Elizabeth. The list of people he'd failed in his lifetime was beginning to mount up a lot of friends, people he considered family. Where would it stop?

"It's not your fault, you know."

John looked up at her. "Then whose is it?" he snapped. "I left her behind. I left her with . . . with them. I just . . . turned and ran." His face flushed hot with his admission. Oh, God, he'd left Elizabeth.

"Colonel Sheppard, I've talked with your team. She told you to go. There was no way to get to her. If you'd tried, Ronon said you both would have been killed. You did the right thing."

John stared at his knees, bumps on his legs under the blanket. "Then why do I feel like it was the biggest mistake of my life?" he whispered.

Keller shifted uncomfortably beside him. "Just give yourself some time to develop some perspective. You'll eventually come to see that was your only alternative. You had to get the ZPM back to Atlantis."

"We should have left as soon as we had the ZPM." He'd felt it then and ignored the warning his gut was trying to give him.

Keller placed her hand firmly on his arm. "The program you activated by staying worked. The Asurans are mounting an attack against the Wraith."

He knew he should be happy at that, but he wasn't. At this moment, the cost just seemed too high. She was gone. And realistically, he knew they'd probably never get her back. Even if he found her, the Replicators had probably already taken her over. _His _Elizabeth was gone forever.

"I need to go," he suddenly announced, needing to be doing something constructive before he got up and punched a wall. "Can I go?"

Keller's arm shot out to stop him from his efforts to get out of bed. "Wait a minute, Colonel. You've been unresponsive for nearly seven hours, you can't just leap out of bed and run back to duty. Landing this city has put quite a strain on your body and it's going to take some time to recover."

John frowned, even as he began picking at the tape on his IV. "I'm fine, really. Just give me a couple of Tylenol and I'm good to go. You just said I've been sleeping for almost seven hours. I'm sure there's a ton of things to get done now that we're in our new home. I need to get busy."

"You need to –"

"I _need _to get back to work. We've got a city to secure." He glared at her, determined to leave whether she cleared him or not. He couldn't stay here, lying in bed thinking about what Elizabeth must be going through alone.

Keller stared at him for a moment and he could almost see the wheels turning inside her head. "I'm running a new batch of blood work while that IV finishes. If everything is close to being back to normal after that, I'll let you go. Carson's notes indicated that you usually just needed a few hours for most of your systems to go back to normal, although he preferred that you stayed overnight when possible for observation."

John let out a breath and realized that he was trembling slightly. He knew it was wise to pick your battles and if he could get out of the infirmary without a skirmish, he should. "Okay, I'll wait until the results are back. But then I'm leaving."

A short time later, Keller came back to his bed and removed the IV catheter from his hand. "You're blood work isn't exactly back to normal, but it's pretty close. You need to get plenty of fluids and something to eat. You also need to take it easy the next few days . . . like you're listening to me on that one. I want you back for a check first thing in the morning." She stood looking at him for a second.

"Colonel . . . I'm not going to pretend I knew Elizabeth as well as you did . . . as you do. But I know her well enough to know she wouldn't want you beating yourself up about this. The city needs you. We need you. You did what you had to do for the city and that's what she wanted you to do. Imagine what you would have told her if your positions had been reversed."

John could feel the knot in his gut tightening. He knew what Keller was doing and he appreciated it, but he wasn't ready for that yet. He thought maybe making it home was harder than being left behind. "I have to go," he whispered. "Thanks." It was all he could do not to run from the room.

oOo

"Are you supposed to be out wandering around?"

John turned to see Rodney drawing up alongside him. "Yeah, Keller let me out an hour ago. I'm fine. What's our status?"

Rodney eyed him suspiciously as they walked, not looking at all convinced. "We're slowly bringing systems back online. We were able to contact Earth and let them in on our latest caper and, if you haven't heard, the Asurans have launched an attack against a Wraith planet. It worked."

John flinched. "Goody," he said sarcastically.

"Well, tragic as its installation may be, it _is_ good. Elizabeth . . . well, she'd be proud I think."

"She's not dead," said John forcefully, rebelling against the use of the past tense.

They walked in silence for a few steps, while John replayed his command to hit the kill switch, which should have killed Elizabeth right then and there. He wasn't sure if knowing he gave the order to kill her would be have been any better than the guilt of leaving her behind. Somehow he didn't think he'd be sleeping any time soon, for this was the stuff of nightmares. Sometimes he thought the military man making the decisions was a completely different person than the man who had to live with the after effects.

"I just meant that . . . what she sacrificed . . . it wasn't in vain. It wasn't meaningless. That's gotta be worth something, right?" He could feel Rodney looking at him for confirmation that her loss had been worth it.

"I . . . I'm sorry Rodney . . . I can't do this right now. Could we . . . I just can't. I'm not sure when I will."

"I'm thinking never," came the soft reply. At that moment, John realized he wasn't the only one struggling with the loss. Rodney didn't just understand, he was feeling it too.

They paused at the junction of two hallways and stood awkwardly looking at one another. Rodney finally pointed to the right. "Uh, I need to go that way, to the lab. You want to catch a bite to eat later, maybe call Teyla and Ronon?"

"Yeah," John said sadly. He wasn't hungry, but he knew they needed to eat. Maybe he could tame the churning in his stomach by then. "Call me when you're ready."

Rodney nodded. "Okay." He walked a few steps and then stopped, turning back around slowly. "We should have just left with the ZPM, like you wanted to."

John shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know any more Rodney. Part of me thinks we did the right thing, and part of me screams we goofed this one up. Time will tell, I guess. It was my decision, so if it was the wrong one, then it's my fault. You just told me the possibilities and that was your job."

"Well, maybe we could split the guilt or the adorations, whichever we end up with. We were both there and both made contributions."

John sighed and gave a tiny nod, careful of his ever-throbbing headache. "I guess that's only fair." They looked at one another for a moment before Rodney turned back around and walked toward his lab, his feet almost shuffling along the floor. The heavy steps were so unlike Rodney's normal spastic pace. John thought it a fitting commentary on their mood.

Heading to the control room, John went to pass the balcony that he and Elizabeth had used for so many of their consultations, as well as their comfort sessions. He stood looking outside, his first view of their new home. Ocean was ocean, he guessed, at least as far as the view was concerned. The light in the night sky caught his eye and he found himself going outside for a closer look. He looked out across the water, the gentle waves rolling in the moonlight.

Suddenly he felt very alone. He wasn't, he knew that. He still had Teyla and Ronon and Rodney. But it wasn't the same. His close circle of friends was shrinking and he wasn't sure he could stand to lose many more of them. He tilted his head, watching the way the light bounced off the towers of the city. _Help me, Atlantis. Help me protect them._ He knew it was bound to be his imagination, but it almost seemed like something warm embraced him, sending a slight tremor through his aching body. He grabbed the railing as a wave of dizziness washed over him and held tightly until the feeling passed. When it did, it seemed like some of the cobwebs had cleared from his brain.

_You need to focus, Sheppard. You don't have time to sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Concentrate on helping the people that are left. You can't let Elizabeth down. Not again. _John realized that he still had a lot to offer Atlantis and her people. He may have let Elizabeth and the others down, but he had to keep fighting, to do everything in his power to make sure the survivors kept surviving. And he planned on finding Elizabeth and bringing her home.

"I left you in the hands of the enemy, Elizabeth, but I'm coming back for you," he said to the sky. It was then that he noticed there were two moons visible over the ocean. _Elizabeth would love that. _He was moving around for a better view when the balcony door opened. For a brief second, he forgot. He turned, expecting Elizabeth, and saw Colonel Carter instead. The disappointment almost made him sick before he pushed it back and swallowed hard, making a show of pointing out the two moons, the moons he would one day show Elizabeth.

THE END


End file.
